There's no time to feel love, to be affectionate or to stare into the sky and look at the floating clouds. It has always been pole to pillar, run run run. It's like running a race against time to get the most done for the mind, body and soul. Wake up and chant and align your mind, then meditate to align your soul, then inhale and exhale to align your breath. This is just the morning ritual! Then comes the time to kickstart the day with some cardio and weights. By the time I'd start work around 9am I'd be pretty exhausted. But once you dive into Microsoft teams and get on with your back to back calls suddenly the adrenaline just kicks in. It gives you a high of some kind. But that's not why I'm writing this.
I recently suffered a great loss. I lost a tiny little Blueberry that was growing inside of me. It was all of 8 weeks old. I was naturally broken to bits when I first heard, feeling everything from angry to sad to exhausted... to kind of relieved that I wouldn't be nauseous anymore...but mostly just shattered.
I was blessed to have the most amazing boss ladies who not only supported me emotionally but also gave me the week to heal and process my loss.
It was the first time in a long time that I had nothing but time. Even after the lockdown happened, most of us had no time. We had more work than before and working from home had just put us all on an auto pilot mode where we'd wake up and repeat the same thing every day.
But last week...i was not consumed by my commitments to Buddhism or my zillion Teams calls. I could feel the affection in my heart for my grieving husband.. and I could actually feel the love I have for him which i dont usually have the time to feel on regular days. Sure i was vulnerable, but he was there and i was able to appreciate him more than ever. We had lost something special and mourning together brought us closer than ever before. We couldn't really function so we just stared at the clouds in the sky and allowed it to heal us bit by bit.
Today we have emerged alot stronger, knowing that we have each other no matter what happens and that's the best feeling in the world. Makes you feel safe, kinda like you feel when you have a cup of hot Cocoa on a rainy day.
Today I'm able to smile and even crack a joke saying 'may be that baby would've been a really mean baby, so God changed his mind'. This whole experience has taught me the power of time and how it can help you heal and go from shattered to strong. Today I'm able to truly value my husband because I saw a side of him that I didn't even know existed. This tells me that it is so important to take out time in our daily lives and not wait for one big thing to go wrong to value your partner.
- Vasavi Todi Kulkarni
